Oh Conference.

   Every 6 months the church has the blessing and privilege of instructing its members and the world through General Conference, as more appropriate God speaks to us through his leaders.  There are total of 8 plus hours of this televised from Salt Lake City.
      Anyways, growing up I have never really been a big fan of General Conference and still don't enjoy it.  Even on my mission I didn't look forward to it.  Yesterday I even came out to my mom about not enjoying conference and she seemed worried about my spiritual well being over not liking conference.  Conference is not my spiritual forte like it is with others such as my dear mother.  In my opinion, I feel like sometimes Leaders don't go by what God would want them to say and instead the Leaders give a sermon about doing or being a certain way is wrong.  Going on to this Conference, I occasionally listened but was somewhat uninterested.  The only session I really listened to and watched was the priesthood.  I understand that there might be a talk I need spiritually.  Ever since I first came out of the closet, I found it hard to listen to the leaders, due to the fact that they don't know what we as homosexuals deal with.  To be honest I have prayed to God to help me become attracted to females and it never happened, instead I realize I am meant to be this way.  I feel like either the leadership of the church may struggle with this subject, or God may not reveal that homosexuality allowed, or etc...  As of now I need to remain patient and maybe God is testing my humility, I don't know.

Will Things Get Better?

       I always hear and see videos of people who are in my shoes saying, "It gets better".  I wonder does it really get better.  I feel like I am at a spot where I keep going down and not going up on this Roller Coaster of life.  Being a Member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has blessed me and has also hindered me.  Being Gay in the church doesn't seem to corolate.  I try my best to remain obedient and faithful and then also be told I can't be gay.  I have recently felt torn apart by going to church as well as living at home with my family.  I feel so trapt with living at home.  Yeah rent is free, however the price of living at home weighs down on my emotions.  I keep telling myself I should move out and don't.  I just don't see things getting better.

Such is Life

Regarding Church and My Family

      Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family.  I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family.  Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family.  I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved.  Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
      Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me.  Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church.  In October 2010, I started drinking weekends.  Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011.  After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion.  I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad.  I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles.  As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members.  They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down.   My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay.  My sisters don't know yet.  I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family.  Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family.  I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
          On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it.  She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say.  This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church.  The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that.  I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel.  Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU.  My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post.  In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences.  I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment.  I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions.  Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others.  I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
           In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy.  I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect.  My only wish is that someday I will be.

SUCH IS LIFE

       

Stop it!

            Today when my family got home from church, I could hear my mom and dad gossip about a Primary Chorister in their ward wear pants and not a dress.   I replied well at least she is fulfilling her calling and coming to church with her family.  My parents agreed with me but then went on to say she is probaly wanting attention.
           In my mind I thought of President Uchtdorf's qoute (pictured above) and talk in Priesthood Meeting of General Conference.  His talk is one of my alltime favorite talks.  I think mormons can be some of the most Gossiping, Judgemental people in society.  I consider myself a mormon, but in all honesty growing up I rarely gossiped or said anything bad about someone.  Who am I to say something bad about a fellow individual.  It's none of my business about how an individual chooses to dress or act.  This is an important issue in the Church that people need to quit doing.  It disapoints me when my family members go ahead and gossip about someone.  When I even stand up and remind my parents that it's not good to do they come back on me with something.
           In Conclusion, I think we all can work on respecting others and stop hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm.
     

Ranting of Critical People

    Tonight I got invited by my Grandfather to attend the Arizona State Football Game.  While on our way my Uncle brings up the Mormons interview on TV a couple nights ago.  My Uncle mentions how he enjoyed the show except for when they interviewed Huntsman's inactive daughter, the temple garments, and Clark Johnson (The Gay Ex-Mormon who is in "The Book Of Mormon" broadway).  My Uncle and Grandfather don't know that I am GAY, however I got somewhat offended by my Uncle's remarks.  My Uncle thought that the interview was somewhat biased towards gays.  I don't see how Ethical-wise being gay to be wrong.   I really enjoyed Clark's Interview and was moved by him talking about his mission and how it brought him closer.  What baffled me is that my Uncle didn't realize that interview Clark didn't speak ill against the church.
          I feel that many gay ex Mormons I meet don't have any ill feelings towards the church rather they respect the church and move on while having a great relationship with God.  I only wish fellow members of the church wouldn't be so critical of Gays and realize Gay people can have a testimony, Gay people can fall in love, and Gay people deserve the same respect given to heteros.  Although I am a somewhat active member and gay, it bugs me when conservative, strict Mormons judge and discriminate against LGBT members.  We are all human and we all are imperfect.  If I really wanted to I could point out flaws to my Uncle at what he does or says, but that's not my place.
          One day I have a wish that everyone will be treated equally, I have a wish that LGBT won't be an issue, rather it will be accepted.  I wish that Gays will be allowed to participate actively in church.  However I respect the temple and it's sacred work to bring husband and wife together for eternity, I understand that no Gay couple can be sealed there, however I do feel that anyone should feel free to marry whoever they want.  Well there is my ranting.

Thinking Spot

       I don't know if any of you do this, especially when struggling and stressed out, and go to a quiet place to escape from being down. Last night I felt alone and felt like many of my friends don't care enough to be there for me. So driving around, I decided to go to my spot.
       My spot is in a secluded area of Mesa, Arizona on a freeway overpass, and it overlooks a dry riverbed and mountains around the valley.  So while sitting in my car depressed and lonely I began thinking and praying to God why am I gay? Why dont I have great friends? Why does my life have to be so hard? I started crying and what helped brighten my experience was seeing the sunset and the colors of the sky. I went from being down to being calm and peaceful. I love having a special spot to get away and to evaluate where I am. I would highly encourage all of you to find a spot to escape those tough days.

Please Do me a favor.

     I know this is not a typical blog post, but it's something I am moved by.  I am sure most if not all of you have seen the Far Between movie trailer and clips.  I have been assured by my other fellow Gays and Allies that it does get better.  Anyways Far Between is trying to raise up to 75,000 dollars toward finishing the movie.  So far they have reached over 11,000 dollars.  I love what this movie has to offer and would love to see it in a theater and the only way of making it possible is by a simple donation of anything.  Here are a few videos that I have enjoyed from Far Between:

http://farbetweenmovie.com/warren/

http://farbetweenmovie.com/jacob-2/

http://farbetweenmovie.com/bob/

Here is the official page to donate as well as with a video/sneak peek:

http://farbetweenmovie.com/donate/fundraiser/

I hope and urge you to make a donation, if you support homosexuality within the church and elsewhere then show your support and donate!

                    Sincerly,
                             Mike Woods