My Story

            I guess I should have wrote my story of how I came to be in the very 1st blog post I created, but I guess you get it in the 4th post. Here it goes:
           Growing up was great I was a typical boy, played sports and kinda sucked to be honest. One thing I was great at even now is music. Not nessesary playing, but my taste in music. As time progressed in Junior High I struggled fitting in, I wouldn't say I got bullied, but it was hard fitting in. Then High School came and I went on dates with girls but never really felt attraction towards them. Some of my best friends in High School were girls. In High School it never clicked in my head that I was gay. During one summer in High School I went to Warped Tour and had a great time, I was in the front seeing one of my favorite bands when this group of 3 girls came up and talked to me. One of the girls had something about her I liked. After warped tour I went on this bands message board to see that she was on it. As time progressed this girl named Karen and I developed a relationship. Unfortunatly she lived 2.5 hours away from me but we would chat everyday. She was also lds, and what I liked about her was her personality and spirit. A month before my graduation and mission call, she died in a fatal car crash. It brought me down and she was the only girl I felt attracted to, we were going to wait til after my mission to get married. The week of her funeral I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I decided to go ahead and miss it. Karen was the only girlfriend I had.
               Fast-forward to September 2005, I go into the MTC for my mission to Boise, Idaho. Going on a mission never seemed so scary for me. The thought of being gone for 2 years seemed infinite. I remember my first panic attacks I experienced on the first day in the MTC. Well time went on and my depression still existed since Karen's death. 3 months into my mission I had thoughts of going home, my mission president made it known to me that I wasn't going to go home unless I committed a bad sin. I met with a psychologist and was diagnosed with depression, still to this day diagnosed with it. My 3rd companion at the time was gay and pretty much out and not acting. He was a really nice companion and was a little too sympathetic towards me which kinda bugged me, but also helped me a lot. If it wasn't for his compassion I might have been home sooner. My 4th companion was my favorite next to my trainer. I got transferred into my 3rd area placed with companion number 4, who my mission president said is the happiest missionary in the mission. I loved being with companion number 4, he was a goofy kid that showed me how to have fun and work hard on my mission. I felt somewhat attracted to this missionary but still didn't think anything of it.
            Fast-forward again to September 2007, I finish my mission and return home to Mesa, AZ. Being home seemed like a easy adjustment I went into a fast and odd relationship to this girl who was somewhat forceful about being romantic and I didn't like it so we broke up. I didn't feel happy at all being home. In March 2008 I got my first tattoo of the outline of Idaho and had thoughts of moving back. I was still active in the church too. I kinda dated girls on and off but never really felt attracted to them, I dated because I felt like I had to.
           Then in summer of 2010 I began questioning my orientation, it took a few months of figuring me out but in October 2010 I came to conclusion that I was gay and attracted to guys. On my mission it kinda made me realize that I could be gay, due to being with a male 24/7 and caring for him and the work. Even in High School I never had a girlfriend! In October 2010 I was also depressed realizing that I was gay and mormon and if I was to act on my attractions I was be ousted. I turned to drinking every weekend. In December 2010 I came out to one of the first people my best friend. My friend was supportive and in a week or so he then came out to me saying he was gay too. On New Years eve a few weeks after coming out to him, we hung out at his home and got drunk or at least I did. We ended up cuddling, kissing, making out, and touching each other. It felt so right and normal for me. Not too long after that my father approached me one day and sat down in the living room and told me he had feelings that I had been drinking and participating homosexuality. I replied that I had and met with the Bishop. The Bishop helped me with getting back on track. My good friend and I quit hanging out for a year due to what we did, it wasn't so bad. But we wanted to be friends and only friends. Earlier this year we starting hanging out again and still are good friends. My bishop is so supportive of me and helpful. Recently I have struggled somewhat spiritually and have also realized that it is okay to be gay. I have come out to a lot of my good friends. My parents know, and I understand as a parent it is hard to have a gay son. I just hope they come along soon and support me. As for dating wise I want to start dating other gay guys preferably mormon guys due to good values and similar lifestyles as me. As for the church, I love this Gospel but struggle somewhat with going to church, I go every week but sometimes feel I have to go due to living at my parents. Being gay is not so bad, but being gay and lds is a hard. But it's life and life isn't meant to be a piece of cake.