Sunday, September 9, 2012

Will Things Get Better?

       I always hear and see videos of people who are in my shoes saying, "It gets better".  I wonder does it really get better.  I feel like I am at a spot where I keep going down and not going up on this Roller Coaster of life.  Being a Member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has blessed me and has also hindered me.  Being Gay in the church doesn't seem to corolate.  I try my best to remain obedient and faithful and then also be told I can't be gay.  I have recently felt torn apart by going to church as well as living at home with my family.  I feel so trapt with living at home.  Yeah rent is free, however the price of living at home weighs down on my emotions.  I keep telling myself I should move out and don't.  I just don't see things getting better.

Such is Life

Regarding Church and My Family

      Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family.  I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family.  Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family.  I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved.  Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
      Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me.  Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church.  In October 2010, I started drinking weekends.  Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011.  After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion.  I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad.  I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles.  As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members.  They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down.   My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay.  My sisters don't know yet.  I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family.  Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family.  I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
          On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it.  She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say.  This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church.  The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that.  I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel.  Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU.  My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post.  In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences.  I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment.  I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions.  Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others.  I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
           In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy.  I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect.  My only wish is that someday I will be.



Sunday, September 2, 2012

Stop it!

            Today when my family got home from church, I could hear my mom and dad gossip about a Primary Chorister in their ward wear pants and not a dress.   I replied well at least she is fulfilling her calling and coming to church with her family.  My parents agreed with me but then went on to say she is probaly wanting attention.
           In my mind I thought of President Uchtdorf's qoute (pictured above) and talk in Priesthood Meeting of General Conference.  His talk is one of my alltime favorite talks.  I think mormons can be some of the most Gossiping, Judgemental people in society.  I consider myself a mormon, but in all honesty growing up I rarely gossiped or said anything bad about someone.  Who am I to say something bad about a fellow individual.  It's none of my business about how an individual chooses to dress or act.  This is an important issue in the Church that people need to quit doing.  It disapoints me when my family members go ahead and gossip about someone.  When I even stand up and remind my parents that it's not good to do they come back on me with something.
           In Conclusion, I think we all can work on respecting others and stop hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm.