I always hear and see videos of people who are in my shoes saying, "It gets better". I wonder does it really get better. I feel like I am at a spot where I keep going down and not going up on this Roller Coaster of life. Being a Member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has blessed me and has also hindered me. Being Gay in the church doesn't seem to corolate. I try my best to remain obedient and faithful and then also be told I can't be gay. I have recently felt torn apart by going to church as well as living at home with my family. I feel so trapt with living at home. Yeah rent is free, however the price of living at home weighs down on my emotions. I keep telling myself I should move out and don't. I just don't see things getting better.
Such is Life
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Regarding Church and My Family
Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family. I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family. Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family. I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved. Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me. Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church. In October 2010, I started drinking weekends. Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011. After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion. I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad. I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles. As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members. They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down. My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay. My sisters don't know yet. I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family. Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family. I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it. She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say. This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church. The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that. I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel. Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU. My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post. In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences. I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment. I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions. Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others. I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy. I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect. My only wish is that someday I will be.
SUCH IS LIFE
Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me. Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church. In October 2010, I started drinking weekends. Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011. After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion. I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad. I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles. As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members. They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down. My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay. My sisters don't know yet. I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family. Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family. I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it. She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say. This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church. The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that. I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel. Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU. My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post. In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences. I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment. I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions. Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others. I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy. I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect. My only wish is that someday I will be.
SUCH IS LIFE
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Being Put Down for who I am
Last night I was going to hang out with a good friend of mine, until he brought up his feelings of me being gay. He ripped into me about how I can change being gay and how what I am doing will bring me down the wrong path. He also went on to tell me I am not going to be happy being gay. I tried explaining to him that being gay is not a choice and that it's something that makes me who I am as an individual. He disagreed saying it's bull crap! "People aren't born that way nor do they randomly become gay growing up!" It hurt me in a way hearing him say he won't support me and be there for me if I am gay. I was heart broken, someone who I thought cared about me, no longer did because of who I am. He went on to say other things.
After about an hour of no longer talking to each other, he messaged me apologizing for his actions. He said it's hard comprehending me being gay. I feel for him as well as my parents. People close to us have to come out of their closets as a friend and Allie of a LGBT person. I didn't apologize back due to feeling some resentment. In my case I shouldn't feel sorry because I didn't rip into him about being straight and married. I also am not the one to judge a person based on how they are.
After about an hour of no longer talking to each other, he messaged me apologizing for his actions. He said it's hard comprehending me being gay. I feel for him as well as my parents. People close to us have to come out of their closets as a friend and Allie of a LGBT person. I didn't apologize back due to feeling some resentment. In my case I shouldn't feel sorry because I didn't rip into him about being straight and married. I also am not the one to judge a person based on how they are.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Finding strength through a support system
One of my favorite prophets: Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "3 things a member of the church needs are Friends, a testimony, and a calling." I am going to emphasize this post on what has helped me get through as a gay member of the church. Recently within the past year I have got the courage to start coming out to my friends and some family. I never would have thought of having almost full support and friendship from my friends would exist. Some friends I was scared of telling because I thought they would reject me have been the most supportive. Some of my best friends have been the biggest example of Christ-like attitudes.
If it weren't for some of my close friends giving their support and friendship to me I don;t know if I'd still be here. I recently joined a LGBT and Straight Alliance mormon group from Facebook and Corinvictus and have met some of the greatest friends there as well. I have become friends with the Cook family through the Group. Bryce and Sara Cook are parents of a gay son who is also in the group, have allowed us to have a social once a month in their home. Hearing the support from a parent has given me hope and understanding of my parents.
Today I met with my Bishop to seek support and advice. My Bishop who I thought would be somewhat harsh, has been the total opposite and caring and supportive. He is a perfect example of Christ. I am so grateful for my support system and how much stronger it has become. I know and hope I can continue to be a support for others who need me. My only hope and dream is for "It to get better" and I am beginning to realize that it's already getting better.
If it weren't for some of my close friends giving their support and friendship to me I don;t know if I'd still be here. I recently joined a LGBT and Straight Alliance mormon group from Facebook and Corinvictus and have met some of the greatest friends there as well. I have become friends with the Cook family through the Group. Bryce and Sara Cook are parents of a gay son who is also in the group, have allowed us to have a social once a month in their home. Hearing the support from a parent has given me hope and understanding of my parents.
Today I met with my Bishop to seek support and advice. My Bishop who I thought would be somewhat harsh, has been the total opposite and caring and supportive. He is a perfect example of Christ. I am so grateful for my support system and how much stronger it has become. I know and hope I can continue to be a support for others who need me. My only hope and dream is for "It to get better" and I am beginning to realize that it's already getting better.
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