I always hear and see videos of people who are in my shoes saying, "It gets better". I wonder does it really get better. I feel like I am at a spot where I keep going down and not going up on this Roller Coaster of life. Being a Member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has blessed me and has also hindered me. Being Gay in the church doesn't seem to corolate. I try my best to remain obedient and faithful and then also be told I can't be gay. I have recently felt torn apart by going to church as well as living at home with my family. I feel so trapt with living at home. Yeah rent is free, however the price of living at home weighs down on my emotions. I keep telling myself I should move out and don't. I just don't see things getting better.
Such is Life
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Regarding Church and My Family
Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family. I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family. Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family. I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved. Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me. Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church. In October 2010, I started drinking weekends. Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011. After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion. I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad. I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles. As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members. They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down. My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay. My sisters don't know yet. I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family. Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family. I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it. She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say. This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church. The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that. I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel. Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU. My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post. In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences. I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment. I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions. Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others. I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy. I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect. My only wish is that someday I will be.
SUCH IS LIFE
Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me. Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church. In October 2010, I started drinking weekends. Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011. After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion. I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad. I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles. As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members. They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down. My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay. My sisters don't know yet. I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family. Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family. I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it. She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say. This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church. The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that. I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel. Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU. My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post. In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences. I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment. I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions. Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others. I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy. I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect. My only wish is that someday I will be.
SUCH IS LIFE
Monday, August 6, 2012
Is it time to come out publically?
Today I have been having thoughts of coming out of the closet fully public, I have been out to many of my close friends, some relatives, and a few people in my singles ward including my bishop.
The only reason that is stopping me is my parents and me respecting their favor. However I want to begin dating and finding the right guy. I also respect the church on the law of chastity however if I find a guy I want to marry, I will do it.b When it comes to premarital sex I believe no matter what orientation you are sex should be til after marriage.
I am trying to think of the reasons behind coming out or hide part of myself. I also feel like living a lie is not right. I really admire our former prophet Gordon B. Hinkley and his philosophy on being ourselves. Well I will try to see what my thoughts, desires, and prayers decide for when and if I should come out to the world.
The only reason that is stopping me is my parents and me respecting their favor. However I want to begin dating and finding the right guy. I also respect the church on the law of chastity however if I find a guy I want to marry, I will do it.b When it comes to premarital sex I believe no matter what orientation you are sex should be til after marriage.
I am trying to think of the reasons behind coming out or hide part of myself. I also feel like living a lie is not right. I really admire our former prophet Gordon B. Hinkley and his philosophy on being ourselves. Well I will try to see what my thoughts, desires, and prayers decide for when and if I should come out to the world.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Love and Human Rights
This week was a bit painful seeing as a gay human being, especially in such a conservative religious area. I saw alot of hateful and homophobic comments on facebook from people who I thought were supportive of me. The issue regarding Chic-Fil-A speaking out against gay rights was an annoyance. Seeing both sides of the issue on facebook was pure annoyance in general. I am not a big fan of politics, but when it comes to my rights as a gay being I feel like I should have equal rights as heterosexuals.
In High School I didn't think much of dating girls and all, but I also didn't think too much of my orientation. One thing that I believed was and still is that any human being should have the right to marry whatever sex they please. Love is a universal thing, love is a gift for everyone. Therefore, If you truly love someone and want to be with them forever why not be granted that gift. Is homosexual marriage going to affect heterosexuals? I know I am on a ranting right now, but why is it that most lds, conservative, and hateful people hate on us when we are the ones that just want to be allowed the same right as heteros.
As for the Chic-Fil-A comment and stance on Gay Marriage, I feel it is wrong to come out and rip on the gays and lesbians and Trans. You don't see Walmart coming out and speaking hate against humans. I understand people have opinions and especially in a Commercialized Setting, you shouldn't state your opinion to the world and speak evil. What also got me frustrated was the fact that many people went to Chic-Fil-A on the 1st, to me it was like a big "F*** You Gays", seeing people rip the LGBT's apart on social media networks got to me and I decided to post a status on my facebook. Later that day my mom told me she was disappointed in me for posting that. It got my disappointed in her as well. What I realize too is people don't understand what we go through.
Recent news with me, this week I came out to 2 additional people who I look up to. One is my right-winged Uncle who has clearly stated he opposes homosexual marriages. He has asked me numerous of times if I am gay and I have just been quiet. This week I went swimming with some of my closest supportive friends, All of one of them didn't know I was gay. While we were chilling in the pool we had a discussion about gays in the church and it was a good biased convo. On my way home from swimming I texted my friend who didn't know and told him I am in fact gay. His reaction was supportive.
I know I have supportive friends, some of which support human rights (gay marriage and etc.). I also have friends and family which love me, but in general don't feel good about me being gay. It is hard telling people I am Gay and can't help it, but I surely did not choose to be this way. I am glad to be a gay individual in the Mormon church and have learned alot about my self. I sometimes wish my close friends and family who don't get where I'm coming from could walk a mile in my shoes as a gay person. I find it hard being gay, but also amazing because I have been blessed with many new friends who love and support me. I have been blessed of being a part of a LGBT & Straight Allied Mormon Group here in the Phoenix metro area. I also have friends who support me and want me to be blessed as they are.
In High School I didn't think much of dating girls and all, but I also didn't think too much of my orientation. One thing that I believed was and still is that any human being should have the right to marry whatever sex they please. Love is a universal thing, love is a gift for everyone. Therefore, If you truly love someone and want to be with them forever why not be granted that gift. Is homosexual marriage going to affect heterosexuals? I know I am on a ranting right now, but why is it that most lds, conservative, and hateful people hate on us when we are the ones that just want to be allowed the same right as heteros.
As for the Chic-Fil-A comment and stance on Gay Marriage, I feel it is wrong to come out and rip on the gays and lesbians and Trans. You don't see Walmart coming out and speaking hate against humans. I understand people have opinions and especially in a Commercialized Setting, you shouldn't state your opinion to the world and speak evil. What also got me frustrated was the fact that many people went to Chic-Fil-A on the 1st, to me it was like a big "F*** You Gays", seeing people rip the LGBT's apart on social media networks got to me and I decided to post a status on my facebook. Later that day my mom told me she was disappointed in me for posting that. It got my disappointed in her as well. What I realize too is people don't understand what we go through.
Recent news with me, this week I came out to 2 additional people who I look up to. One is my right-winged Uncle who has clearly stated he opposes homosexual marriages. He has asked me numerous of times if I am gay and I have just been quiet. This week I went swimming with some of my closest supportive friends, All of one of them didn't know I was gay. While we were chilling in the pool we had a discussion about gays in the church and it was a good biased convo. On my way home from swimming I texted my friend who didn't know and told him I am in fact gay. His reaction was supportive.
I know I have supportive friends, some of which support human rights (gay marriage and etc.). I also have friends and family which love me, but in general don't feel good about me being gay. It is hard telling people I am Gay and can't help it, but I surely did not choose to be this way. I am glad to be a gay individual in the Mormon church and have learned alot about my self. I sometimes wish my close friends and family who don't get where I'm coming from could walk a mile in my shoes as a gay person. I find it hard being gay, but also amazing because I have been blessed with many new friends who love and support me. I have been blessed of being a part of a LGBT & Straight Allied Mormon Group here in the Phoenix metro area. I also have friends who support me and want me to be blessed as they are.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
My Story
I guess I should have wrote my story of how I came to be in the very 1st blog post I created, but I guess you get it in the 4th post. Here it goes:
Growing up was great I was a typical boy, played sports and kinda sucked to be honest. One thing I was great at even now is music. Not nessesary playing, but my taste in music. As time progressed in Junior High I struggled fitting in, I wouldn't say I got bullied, but it was hard fitting in. Then High School came and I went on dates with girls but never really felt attraction towards them. Some of my best friends in High School were girls. In High School it never clicked in my head that I was gay. During one summer in High School I went to Warped Tour and had a great time, I was in the front seeing one of my favorite bands when this group of 3 girls came up and talked to me. One of the girls had something about her I liked. After warped tour I went on this bands message board to see that she was on it. As time progressed this girl named Karen and I developed a relationship. Unfortunatly she lived 2.5 hours away from me but we would chat everyday. She was also lds, and what I liked about her was her personality and spirit. A month before my graduation and mission call, she died in a fatal car crash. It brought me down and she was the only girl I felt attracted to, we were going to wait til after my mission to get married. The week of her funeral I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I decided to go ahead and miss it. Karen was the only girlfriend I had.
Fast-forward to September 2005, I go into the MTC for my mission to Boise, Idaho. Going on a mission never seemed so scary for me. The thought of being gone for 2 years seemed infinite. I remember my first panic attacks I experienced on the first day in the MTC. Well time went on and my depression still existed since Karen's death. 3 months into my mission I had thoughts of going home, my mission president made it known to me that I wasn't going to go home unless I committed a bad sin. I met with a psychologist and was diagnosed with depression, still to this day diagnosed with it. My 3rd companion at the time was gay and pretty much out and not acting. He was a really nice companion and was a little too sympathetic towards me which kinda bugged me, but also helped me a lot. If it wasn't for his compassion I might have been home sooner. My 4th companion was my favorite next to my trainer. I got transferred into my 3rd area placed with companion number 4, who my mission president said is the happiest missionary in the mission. I loved being with companion number 4, he was a goofy kid that showed me how to have fun and work hard on my mission. I felt somewhat attracted to this missionary but still didn't think anything of it.
Fast-forward again to September 2007, I finish my mission and return home to Mesa, AZ. Being home seemed like a easy adjustment I went into a fast and odd relationship to this girl who was somewhat forceful about being romantic and I didn't like it so we broke up. I didn't feel happy at all being home. In March 2008 I got my first tattoo of the outline of Idaho and had thoughts of moving back. I was still active in the church too. I kinda dated girls on and off but never really felt attracted to them, I dated because I felt like I had to.
Then in summer of 2010 I began questioning my orientation, it took a few months of figuring me out but in October 2010 I came to conclusion that I was gay and attracted to guys. On my mission it kinda made me realize that I could be gay, due to being with a male 24/7 and caring for him and the work. Even in High School I never had a girlfriend! In October 2010 I was also depressed realizing that I was gay and mormon and if I was to act on my attractions I was be ousted. I turned to drinking every weekend. In December 2010 I came out to one of the first people my best friend. My friend was supportive and in a week or so he then came out to me saying he was gay too. On New Years eve a few weeks after coming out to him, we hung out at his home and got drunk or at least I did. We ended up cuddling, kissing, making out, and touching each other. It felt so right and normal for me. Not too long after that my father approached me one day and sat down in the living room and told me he had feelings that I had been drinking and participating homosexuality. I replied that I had and met with the Bishop. The Bishop helped me with getting back on track. My good friend and I quit hanging out for a year due to what we did, it wasn't so bad. But we wanted to be friends and only friends. Earlier this year we starting hanging out again and still are good friends. My bishop is so supportive of me and helpful. Recently I have struggled somewhat spiritually and have also realized that it is okay to be gay. I have come out to a lot of my good friends. My parents know, and I understand as a parent it is hard to have a gay son. I just hope they come along soon and support me. As for dating wise I want to start dating other gay guys preferably mormon guys due to good values and similar lifestyles as me. As for the church, I love this Gospel but struggle somewhat with going to church, I go every week but sometimes feel I have to go due to living at my parents. Being gay is not so bad, but being gay and lds is a hard. But it's life and life isn't meant to be a piece of cake.
Growing up was great I was a typical boy, played sports and kinda sucked to be honest. One thing I was great at even now is music. Not nessesary playing, but my taste in music. As time progressed in Junior High I struggled fitting in, I wouldn't say I got bullied, but it was hard fitting in. Then High School came and I went on dates with girls but never really felt attraction towards them. Some of my best friends in High School were girls. In High School it never clicked in my head that I was gay. During one summer in High School I went to Warped Tour and had a great time, I was in the front seeing one of my favorite bands when this group of 3 girls came up and talked to me. One of the girls had something about her I liked. After warped tour I went on this bands message board to see that she was on it. As time progressed this girl named Karen and I developed a relationship. Unfortunatly she lived 2.5 hours away from me but we would chat everyday. She was also lds, and what I liked about her was her personality and spirit. A month before my graduation and mission call, she died in a fatal car crash. It brought me down and she was the only girl I felt attracted to, we were going to wait til after my mission to get married. The week of her funeral I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I decided to go ahead and miss it. Karen was the only girlfriend I had.
Fast-forward to September 2005, I go into the MTC for my mission to Boise, Idaho. Going on a mission never seemed so scary for me. The thought of being gone for 2 years seemed infinite. I remember my first panic attacks I experienced on the first day in the MTC. Well time went on and my depression still existed since Karen's death. 3 months into my mission I had thoughts of going home, my mission president made it known to me that I wasn't going to go home unless I committed a bad sin. I met with a psychologist and was diagnosed with depression, still to this day diagnosed with it. My 3rd companion at the time was gay and pretty much out and not acting. He was a really nice companion and was a little too sympathetic towards me which kinda bugged me, but also helped me a lot. If it wasn't for his compassion I might have been home sooner. My 4th companion was my favorite next to my trainer. I got transferred into my 3rd area placed with companion number 4, who my mission president said is the happiest missionary in the mission. I loved being with companion number 4, he was a goofy kid that showed me how to have fun and work hard on my mission. I felt somewhat attracted to this missionary but still didn't think anything of it.
Fast-forward again to September 2007, I finish my mission and return home to Mesa, AZ. Being home seemed like a easy adjustment I went into a fast and odd relationship to this girl who was somewhat forceful about being romantic and I didn't like it so we broke up. I didn't feel happy at all being home. In March 2008 I got my first tattoo of the outline of Idaho and had thoughts of moving back. I was still active in the church too. I kinda dated girls on and off but never really felt attracted to them, I dated because I felt like I had to.
Then in summer of 2010 I began questioning my orientation, it took a few months of figuring me out but in October 2010 I came to conclusion that I was gay and attracted to guys. On my mission it kinda made me realize that I could be gay, due to being with a male 24/7 and caring for him and the work. Even in High School I never had a girlfriend! In October 2010 I was also depressed realizing that I was gay and mormon and if I was to act on my attractions I was be ousted. I turned to drinking every weekend. In December 2010 I came out to one of the first people my best friend. My friend was supportive and in a week or so he then came out to me saying he was gay too. On New Years eve a few weeks after coming out to him, we hung out at his home and got drunk or at least I did. We ended up cuddling, kissing, making out, and touching each other. It felt so right and normal for me. Not too long after that my father approached me one day and sat down in the living room and told me he had feelings that I had been drinking and participating homosexuality. I replied that I had and met with the Bishop. The Bishop helped me with getting back on track. My good friend and I quit hanging out for a year due to what we did, it wasn't so bad. But we wanted to be friends and only friends. Earlier this year we starting hanging out again and still are good friends. My bishop is so supportive of me and helpful. Recently I have struggled somewhat spiritually and have also realized that it is okay to be gay. I have come out to a lot of my good friends. My parents know, and I understand as a parent it is hard to have a gay son. I just hope they come along soon and support me. As for dating wise I want to start dating other gay guys preferably mormon guys due to good values and similar lifestyles as me. As for the church, I love this Gospel but struggle somewhat with going to church, I go every week but sometimes feel I have to go due to living at my parents. Being gay is not so bad, but being gay and lds is a hard. But it's life and life isn't meant to be a piece of cake.
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