Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family. I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family. Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family. I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved. Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me. Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church. In October 2010, I started drinking weekends. Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011. After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion. I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad. I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles. As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members. They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down. My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay. My sisters don't know yet. I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family. Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family. I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it. She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say. This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church. The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that. I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel. Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU. My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post. In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences. I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment. I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions. Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others. I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy. I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect. My only wish is that someday I will be.
SUCH IS LIFE