Oh Conference.

   Every 6 months the church has the blessing and privilege of instructing its members and the world through General Conference, as more appropriate God speaks to us through his leaders.  There are total of 8 plus hours of this televised from Salt Lake City.
      Anyways, growing up I have never really been a big fan of General Conference and still don't enjoy it.  Even on my mission I didn't look forward to it.  Yesterday I even came out to my mom about not enjoying conference and she seemed worried about my spiritual well being over not liking conference.  Conference is not my spiritual forte like it is with others such as my dear mother.  In my opinion, I feel like sometimes Leaders don't go by what God would want them to say and instead the Leaders give a sermon about doing or being a certain way is wrong.  Going on to this Conference, I occasionally listened but was somewhat uninterested.  The only session I really listened to and watched was the priesthood.  I understand that there might be a talk I need spiritually.  Ever since I first came out of the closet, I found it hard to listen to the leaders, due to the fact that they don't know what we as homosexuals deal with.  To be honest I have prayed to God to help me become attracted to females and it never happened, instead I realize I am meant to be this way.  I feel like either the leadership of the church may struggle with this subject, or God may not reveal that homosexuality allowed, or etc...  As of now I need to remain patient and maybe God is testing my humility, I don't know.

Regarding Church and My Family

      Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family.  I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family.  Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family.  I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved.  Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
      Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me.  Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church.  In October 2010, I started drinking weekends.  Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011.  After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion.  I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad.  I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles.  As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members.  They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down.   My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay.  My sisters don't know yet.  I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family.  Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family.  I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
          On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it.  She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say.  This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church.  The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that.  I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel.  Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU.  My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post.  In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences.  I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment.  I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions.  Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others.  I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
           In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy.  I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect.  My only wish is that someday I will be.

SUCH IS LIFE

       

Ranting of Critical People

    Tonight I got invited by my Grandfather to attend the Arizona State Football Game.  While on our way my Uncle brings up the Mormons interview on TV a couple nights ago.  My Uncle mentions how he enjoyed the show except for when they interviewed Huntsman's inactive daughter, the temple garments, and Clark Johnson (The Gay Ex-Mormon who is in "The Book Of Mormon" broadway).  My Uncle and Grandfather don't know that I am GAY, however I got somewhat offended by my Uncle's remarks.  My Uncle thought that the interview was somewhat biased towards gays.  I don't see how Ethical-wise being gay to be wrong.   I really enjoyed Clark's Interview and was moved by him talking about his mission and how it brought him closer.  What baffled me is that my Uncle didn't realize that interview Clark didn't speak ill against the church.
          I feel that many gay ex Mormons I meet don't have any ill feelings towards the church rather they respect the church and move on while having a great relationship with God.  I only wish fellow members of the church wouldn't be so critical of Gays and realize Gay people can have a testimony, Gay people can fall in love, and Gay people deserve the same respect given to heteros.  Although I am a somewhat active member and gay, it bugs me when conservative, strict Mormons judge and discriminate against LGBT members.  We are all human and we all are imperfect.  If I really wanted to I could point out flaws to my Uncle at what he does or says, but that's not my place.
          One day I have a wish that everyone will be treated equally, I have a wish that LGBT won't be an issue, rather it will be accepted.  I wish that Gays will be allowed to participate actively in church.  However I respect the temple and it's sacred work to bring husband and wife together for eternity, I understand that no Gay couple can be sealed there, however I do feel that anyone should feel free to marry whoever they want.  Well there is my ranting.

Being Put Down for who I am

      Last night I was going to hang out with a good friend of mine, until he brought up his feelings of me being gay.  He ripped into me about how I can change being gay and how what I am doing will bring me down the wrong path.  He also went on to tell me I am not going to be happy being gay.  I tried explaining to him that being gay is not a choice and that it's something that makes me who I am as an individual.  He disagreed saying it's bull crap!  "People aren't born that way nor do they randomly become gay growing up!"  It hurt me in a way hearing him say he won't support me and be there for me if I am gay.  I was heart broken, someone who I thought cared about me, no longer did because of who I am.  He went on to say other things.
        After about an hour of no longer talking to each other, he messaged me apologizing for his actions.  He said it's hard comprehending me being gay.  I feel for him as well as my parents.  People close to us have to come out of their closets as a friend and Allie of a LGBT person.  I didn't apologize back due to feeling some resentment.  In my case I shouldn't feel sorry because I didn't rip into him about being straight and married.  I also am not the one to judge a person based on how they are.
   

Finding strength through a support system

          One of my favorite prophets: Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "3 things a member of the church needs are Friends, a testimony, and a calling." I am going to emphasize this post on what has helped me get through as a gay member of the church. Recently within the past year I have got the courage to start coming out to my friends and some family. I never would have thought of having almost full support and friendship from my friends would exist. Some friends I was scared of telling because I thought they would reject me have been the most supportive. Some of my best friends have been the biggest example of Christ-like attitudes.
                 If it weren't for some of my close friends giving their support and friendship to me I don;t know if I'd still be here. I recently joined a LGBT and Straight Alliance mormon group from Facebook and Corinvictus and have met some of the greatest friends there as well. I have become friends with the Cook family through the Group. Bryce and Sara Cook are parents of a gay son who is also in the group, have allowed us to have a social once a month in their home.  Hearing the support from a parent has given me hope and understanding of my parents.
            Today I met with my Bishop to seek support and advice. My Bishop who I thought would be somewhat harsh, has been the total opposite and caring and supportive. He is a perfect example of Christ. I am so grateful for my support system and how much stronger it has become. I know and hope I can continue to be a support for others who need me. My only hope and dream is for "It to get better" and I am beginning to realize that it's already getting better.