Tuesday, June 26, 2012

A Disney Story related to Me

   Today I went to see Disney & Pixar's "Brave" in the theaters with some friends.  To be honest I didn't want to see another feminist themed Princess movie made by Disney.  I went anyways and came out of the movie liking it.  In this movie, this Princess is into doing Archery and doing manly things.  To my thought I was like could this be the first Disney Lesbian Princess?  The movie didn't lead to that.  Into the movie her mom who is the Queen attempts to teach her to become a princess, in truth this girl wants to be what she is a unique person.   This princess somehow finds a way to curse her mother to be a bear.  
     This movie really made me relate well to this girl.  I found myself thinking, "My parents want me to be someone I'm not made to be.  I also thought  about about doing something to prevent my parents from bothering me, bur not like a curse.  I may be gay but I will always be my parents son.
       In conclusion this girl proved to realize that her parents were important and her parents realized that even though their princess was different they loved her and supported her.
      I hope that it will get better and my parents will love and support me regardless of what I am or do.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

My Story

            I guess I should have wrote my story of how I came to be in the very 1st blog post I created, but I guess you get it in the 4th post. Here it goes:
           Growing up was great I was a typical boy, played sports and kinda sucked to be honest. One thing I was great at even now is music. Not nessesary playing, but my taste in music. As time progressed in Junior High I struggled fitting in, I wouldn't say I got bullied, but it was hard fitting in. Then High School came and I went on dates with girls but never really felt attraction towards them. Some of my best friends in High School were girls. In High School it never clicked in my head that I was gay. During one summer in High School I went to Warped Tour and had a great time, I was in the front seeing one of my favorite bands when this group of 3 girls came up and talked to me. One of the girls had something about her I liked. After warped tour I went on this bands message board to see that she was on it. As time progressed this girl named Karen and I developed a relationship. Unfortunatly she lived 2.5 hours away from me but we would chat everyday. She was also lds, and what I liked about her was her personality and spirit. A month before my graduation and mission call, she died in a fatal car crash. It brought me down and she was the only girl I felt attracted to, we were going to wait til after my mission to get married. The week of her funeral I had to get my wisdom teeth removed and I decided to go ahead and miss it. Karen was the only girlfriend I had.
               Fast-forward to September 2005, I go into the MTC for my mission to Boise, Idaho. Going on a mission never seemed so scary for me. The thought of being gone for 2 years seemed infinite. I remember my first panic attacks I experienced on the first day in the MTC. Well time went on and my depression still existed since Karen's death. 3 months into my mission I had thoughts of going home, my mission president made it known to me that I wasn't going to go home unless I committed a bad sin. I met with a psychologist and was diagnosed with depression, still to this day diagnosed with it. My 3rd companion at the time was gay and pretty much out and not acting. He was a really nice companion and was a little too sympathetic towards me which kinda bugged me, but also helped me a lot. If it wasn't for his compassion I might have been home sooner. My 4th companion was my favorite next to my trainer. I got transferred into my 3rd area placed with companion number 4, who my mission president said is the happiest missionary in the mission. I loved being with companion number 4, he was a goofy kid that showed me how to have fun and work hard on my mission. I felt somewhat attracted to this missionary but still didn't think anything of it.
            Fast-forward again to September 2007, I finish my mission and return home to Mesa, AZ. Being home seemed like a easy adjustment I went into a fast and odd relationship to this girl who was somewhat forceful about being romantic and I didn't like it so we broke up. I didn't feel happy at all being home. In March 2008 I got my first tattoo of the outline of Idaho and had thoughts of moving back. I was still active in the church too. I kinda dated girls on and off but never really felt attracted to them, I dated because I felt like I had to.
           Then in summer of 2010 I began questioning my orientation, it took a few months of figuring me out but in October 2010 I came to conclusion that I was gay and attracted to guys. On my mission it kinda made me realize that I could be gay, due to being with a male 24/7 and caring for him and the work. Even in High School I never had a girlfriend! In October 2010 I was also depressed realizing that I was gay and mormon and if I was to act on my attractions I was be ousted. I turned to drinking every weekend. In December 2010 I came out to one of the first people my best friend. My friend was supportive and in a week or so he then came out to me saying he was gay too. On New Years eve a few weeks after coming out to him, we hung out at his home and got drunk or at least I did. We ended up cuddling, kissing, making out, and touching each other. It felt so right and normal for me. Not too long after that my father approached me one day and sat down in the living room and told me he had feelings that I had been drinking and participating homosexuality. I replied that I had and met with the Bishop. The Bishop helped me with getting back on track. My good friend and I quit hanging out for a year due to what we did, it wasn't so bad. But we wanted to be friends and only friends. Earlier this year we starting hanging out again and still are good friends. My bishop is so supportive of me and helpful. Recently I have struggled somewhat spiritually and have also realized that it is okay to be gay. I have come out to a lot of my good friends. My parents know, and I understand as a parent it is hard to have a gay son. I just hope they come along soon and support me. As for dating wise I want to start dating other gay guys preferably mormon guys due to good values and similar lifestyles as me. As for the church, I love this Gospel but struggle somewhat with going to church, I go every week but sometimes feel I have to go due to living at my parents. Being gay is not so bad, but being gay and lds is a hard. But it's life and life isn't meant to be a piece of cake.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Finding strength through a support system

          One of my favorite prophets: Gordon B. Hinckley once said, "3 things a member of the church needs are Friends, a testimony, and a calling." I am going to emphasize this post on what has helped me get through as a gay member of the church. Recently within the past year I have got the courage to start coming out to my friends and some family. I never would have thought of having almost full support and friendship from my friends would exist. Some friends I was scared of telling because I thought they would reject me have been the most supportive. Some of my best friends have been the biggest example of Christ-like attitudes.
                 If it weren't for some of my close friends giving their support and friendship to me I don;t know if I'd still be here. I recently joined a LGBT and Straight Alliance mormon group from Facebook and Corinvictus and have met some of the greatest friends there as well. I have become friends with the Cook family through the Group. Bryce and Sara Cook are parents of a gay son who is also in the group, have allowed us to have a social once a month in their home.  Hearing the support from a parent has given me hope and understanding of my parents.
            Today I met with my Bishop to seek support and advice. My Bishop who I thought would be somewhat harsh, has been the total opposite and caring and supportive. He is a perfect example of Christ. I am so grateful for my support system and how much stronger it has become. I know and hope I can continue to be a support for others who need me. My only hope and dream is for "It to get better" and I am beginning to realize that it's already getting better.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Asked to speak in Church on Fathers Day

Today I got a call from my singles ward Bishop, asking me to speak about fathers this Sunday for fathers day. I texted him back, declining. This was the first time in my life declining to speak in church. There are many reasons why I declined:

1. I don't feel comfortable speaking about my father. I love my dad, but yet I don't get along well with him, so there's not really much to say and if there was it would be a lie.

2. I am not much of a public speaker, I get kinda nervous speaking from a pulpit to a hundred people

3. As a gay Mormon why would I want to speak on an aspect of eternal marriage pertaining to the husbands perspective.

Don't get me wrong I am a gay semi active Mormon. I go to at least one hour of church a week, if I didn't live at my parents I probaly wouldn't go every week. I love the gospel, I just don't feel comfortable in church alot. I am grateful for my Bishop, he has been really supportive and helpful for me, I remember telling him I don't feel comfortable attending all three hours and he replied back: "if you don't feel comfortable cause of your situation then don't go three hours, he did tell me that I should go for sacrament tho.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Don't H8! Love!

Today was my newly Mesa YSA East Stake Conference, during the meeting they had the Stake Presidency and their wives get up and give a testimony (Supposedly a testimony, more like a talk). The new Stake 1st Councilers wife got up and gave her talk on Marriage and the importance of marriage, to me when I hear that word especially in church it's a big turn off. During her shpeel she mentioned how grateful she was that the church put forth the effort on Prop 8 and 102 to protect marriage. She then went on to say how marriage is between a man and woman and that homosexuality is an ambomination. I was immediately mad and disappointed, I thought to myself why is it that our church and members don't support us homosexuals. I did not randomly choose, "I'm gay and going to like guys!" It happened to be with me most of my life. Being gay is not a choice, just as being straight isn't either. It's a part of who we are. I wish parents, members, and leaders would understand more that we are normal people with feelings and attractions to be loved by someone! Yeah we are different in one thing, we are attracted to the same sex. I will admit that more people who used to not be open with arms are now realizing that they need to love as Jesus Christ did. I love the saying "What Would Jesus Do". I hope and pray we all can do as Jesus did and love everyone.