Oh Conference.

   Every 6 months the church has the blessing and privilege of instructing its members and the world through General Conference, as more appropriate God speaks to us through his leaders.  There are total of 8 plus hours of this televised from Salt Lake City.
      Anyways, growing up I have never really been a big fan of General Conference and still don't enjoy it.  Even on my mission I didn't look forward to it.  Yesterday I even came out to my mom about not enjoying conference and she seemed worried about my spiritual well being over not liking conference.  Conference is not my spiritual forte like it is with others such as my dear mother.  In my opinion, I feel like sometimes Leaders don't go by what God would want them to say and instead the Leaders give a sermon about doing or being a certain way is wrong.  Going on to this Conference, I occasionally listened but was somewhat uninterested.  The only session I really listened to and watched was the priesthood.  I understand that there might be a talk I need spiritually.  Ever since I first came out of the closet, I found it hard to listen to the leaders, due to the fact that they don't know what we as homosexuals deal with.  To be honest I have prayed to God to help me become attracted to females and it never happened, instead I realize I am meant to be this way.  I feel like either the leadership of the church may struggle with this subject, or God may not reveal that homosexuality allowed, or etc...  As of now I need to remain patient and maybe God is testing my humility, I don't know.

Regarding Church and My Family

      Since coming out to myself in October of 2010, I have felt rather uncomfortable with going to church yet even being around my immediate family.  I have been blessed being LDS and with a good family.  Although I have always felt like the ugly duckling of the family.  I was always the perfect little nice boy growing up, I was well behaved.  Recently though it has seemed like there has been conflicts between my parents and I.
      Being gay and trying to stay active in the church as well as obedient is a hard issue for me.  Recently I have had the desire to take a step away from being active and at least go 1 to 2 times a month to church.  In October 2010, I started drinking weekends.  Then decided to stop and get back to being worthy, especially for my favorite cousin's sealing in September of 2011.  After his sealing I kinda went back to drinking but on occasion.  I know what the word of wisdom says, I know alcohol is bad.  I have turned to it sometimes as a way to escape my battles.  As for my family, they are all devout, strong, faithful members.  They however, emphasize "the church says this about this..." in a way it has done nothing but bring me down.   My parents and brother are the only ones who know that I am gay.  My sisters don't know yet.  I realize living at home is another thing that has weighed on me and my family.  Everyone says when you live away, you appreciate your family.  I have repeatedly told myself I need to get out and on my own, but I don't make the effort to do it.
          On facebook I have posted statuses regarding my view on marriage equality and my mom has decided to take offense to it.  She worries about what relatives and her friends will think and say.  This has been a big problem of frustration I have with the church.  The church tells people they have agency and yet instructs it's members that you can't do that.  I have told my mother that I have the agency to say what I feel.  Tonight I kind of took things a little to far by saying how much I hated BYU on facebook, and made comments saying it's not the Lord's University and Screw BYU.  My mom was livid and worried about people seeing my post.  In reality people need to realize we have opinions and to respect each others differences.  I shouldn't have posted the screw BYU comment.  I wish the church wouldn't brainwash its members to condone issues and opinions.  Like in previous posts the church has recently emphasized on not judging or ridiculing others.  I hope one day my mom will be understanding of me and not so much worried about what others think.
           In Conclusion, I feel like if I moved out/away these issues will be resolved as well as me having more freedom and agency to do what I want and what will make me happy.  I miss being accepted by my family members as well as treated with respect.  My only wish is that someday I will be.

SUCH IS LIFE

       

Stop it!

            Today when my family got home from church, I could hear my mom and dad gossip about a Primary Chorister in their ward wear pants and not a dress.   I replied well at least she is fulfilling her calling and coming to church with her family.  My parents agreed with me but then went on to say she is probaly wanting attention.
           In my mind I thought of President Uchtdorf's qoute (pictured above) and talk in Priesthood Meeting of General Conference.  His talk is one of my alltime favorite talks.  I think mormons can be some of the most Gossiping, Judgemental people in society.  I consider myself a mormon, but in all honesty growing up I rarely gossiped or said anything bad about someone.  Who am I to say something bad about a fellow individual.  It's none of my business about how an individual chooses to dress or act.  This is an important issue in the Church that people need to quit doing.  It disapoints me when my family members go ahead and gossip about someone.  When I even stand up and remind my parents that it's not good to do they come back on me with something.
           In Conclusion, I think we all can work on respecting others and stop hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges or wanting to cause harm.
     

Ranting of Critical People

    Tonight I got invited by my Grandfather to attend the Arizona State Football Game.  While on our way my Uncle brings up the Mormons interview on TV a couple nights ago.  My Uncle mentions how he enjoyed the show except for when they interviewed Huntsman's inactive daughter, the temple garments, and Clark Johnson (The Gay Ex-Mormon who is in "The Book Of Mormon" broadway).  My Uncle and Grandfather don't know that I am GAY, however I got somewhat offended by my Uncle's remarks.  My Uncle thought that the interview was somewhat biased towards gays.  I don't see how Ethical-wise being gay to be wrong.   I really enjoyed Clark's Interview and was moved by him talking about his mission and how it brought him closer.  What baffled me is that my Uncle didn't realize that interview Clark didn't speak ill against the church.
          I feel that many gay ex Mormons I meet don't have any ill feelings towards the church rather they respect the church and move on while having a great relationship with God.  I only wish fellow members of the church wouldn't be so critical of Gays and realize Gay people can have a testimony, Gay people can fall in love, and Gay people deserve the same respect given to heteros.  Although I am a somewhat active member and gay, it bugs me when conservative, strict Mormons judge and discriminate against LGBT members.  We are all human and we all are imperfect.  If I really wanted to I could point out flaws to my Uncle at what he does or says, but that's not my place.
          One day I have a wish that everyone will be treated equally, I have a wish that LGBT won't be an issue, rather it will be accepted.  I wish that Gays will be allowed to participate actively in church.  However I respect the temple and it's sacred work to bring husband and wife together for eternity, I understand that no Gay couple can be sealed there, however I do feel that anyone should feel free to marry whoever they want.  Well there is my ranting.

To Relate With....

        Part of being different as well as human, is finding people who are in similar situations as we are.  I know, God, and Jesus Christ know that we can't do life or tasks on our own.  We all need a support in certain aspects.   Support and Relationship is so important in society.  We see it in Church, Employment, in Schools, and Groups.
         When I first came out to myself that I was gay, I felt like I needed to turn to someone for help and also someone to listen and relate with.  I turned to a dear best friend and came out to him.  Not knowing about him, he came out to me that he too was gay.  2 years later, here I am with many friends, family, and leaders who know that I am a gay mormon.  Recently here in Arizona, I am in a mormon group of LGBTQ and allied members,  it has been such a blessing being able to have others to relate with and see similar of what they are going through.  I feel like God has brought about 100 of these individuals into my life to help me and have me relate with.  As a Group we meet monthly for a Social at straight member home to have a discussion as well as a time to talk and share similar experiences.  I am truly blessed to have this group as well as friends who have my back when I am going through hard times.
           Another thing I have found easily to relate to is finding other gay mormon blogs through the MoHo Directory, I have found a number of guys who share such similar stories and views as what I share.  The internet is a great tool in finding people who are in similar situations in life as a gay, les, bi, trans mormon.
           In closing, I am grateful to be able to see that there are others like me who are gay and mormon and who want support and friendship and who mainly just want to be accepted just as straight people are.

  

Love and Human Rights

      This week was a bit painful seeing as a gay human being, especially in such a conservative religious area.  I saw alot of hateful and homophobic comments on facebook from people who I thought were supportive of me.  The issue regarding Chic-Fil-A speaking out against gay rights was an annoyance.  Seeing both sides of the issue on facebook was pure annoyance in general.  I am not a big fan of politics, but when it comes to my rights as a gay being I feel like I should have equal rights as heterosexuals.
        In High School I didn't think much of dating girls and all, but I also didn't think too much of my orientation.  One thing that I believed was and still is that any human being should have the right to marry whatever sex they please.  Love is a universal thing,  love is a gift for everyone.  Therefore, If you truly love someone and want to be with them forever why not be granted that gift.  Is homosexual marriage going to affect heterosexuals?  I know I am on a ranting right now, but why is it that most lds, conservative, and hateful people hate on us when we are the ones that just want to be allowed the same right as heteros.
         As for the Chic-Fil-A comment and stance on Gay Marriage, I feel it is wrong to come out and rip on the gays and lesbians and Trans.  You don't see Walmart coming out and speaking hate against humans.  I understand people have opinions and especially in a Commercialized Setting, you shouldn't state your opinion to the world and speak evil.  What also got me frustrated was the fact that many people went to Chic-Fil-A on the 1st, to me it was like a big "F*** You Gays",  seeing people rip the LGBT's apart on social media networks got to me and I decided to post a status on my facebook.  Later that day my mom told me she was disappointed in me for posting that.  It got my disappointed in her as well.  What I realize too is people don't understand what we go through.
         Recent news with me, this week I came out to 2 additional people who I look up to.  One is my right-winged Uncle who has clearly stated he opposes homosexual marriages.  He has asked me numerous of times if I am gay and I have just been quiet.  This week I went swimming with some of my closest supportive friends, All of one of them didn't know I was gay.  While we were chilling in the pool we had a discussion about gays in the church and it was a good biased convo.  On my way home from swimming I texted my friend who didn't know and told him I am in fact gay.  His reaction was supportive.
         I know I have supportive friends, some of which support human rights (gay marriage and etc.).  I also have friends and family which love me, but in general don't feel good about me being gay.  It is hard telling people I am Gay and can't help it, but I surely did not choose to be this way.  I am glad to be a gay individual in the Mormon church and have learned alot about my self.  I sometimes wish my close friends and family who don't get where I'm coming from could walk a mile in my shoes as a gay person.  I find it hard being gay, but also amazing because I have been blessed with many new friends who love and support me.   I have been blessed of being a part of a LGBT & Straight Allied Mormon Group here in the Phoenix metro area.  I also have friends who support me and want me to be blessed as they are.